Ah, I am questioning everything and I don’t know why. Maybe I really have lost my mind. Merry Christmas to me. I really, truly do not know why I do this. Anyway. Here goes. Maybe this writing-down process will help me understand things a little better.

I am having second thoughts about going to law school this fall. There, I said it. Shiver. What if I spend all of this money (which I don’t have) doing the applications and then I end up not going? What if I should be working on getting into grad school or getting an MBA instead? I was so sure and now I just don’t know again.

The money is a definite factor… I still owe the state a shitload. Am just getting caught up financially from the whole layoff thing right now on my NORMAL bills. Don’t even mention the fines from the dui. Even if I managed to get the applications done and by some miracle I am admitted to law school, I don’t know that I could afford to go this fall anyway. Because loans and financial aid require filling out more forms, and frankly I do not know if I have the stomach to fill them out. I am having a hard enough time getting the motivation to just get out of bed every day and live my normal life, never mind essays and applications.

Then again, there is my nagging worry that maybe I just shouldn’t go to law school at all. I am realizing as I get older that there are a lot of things I maybe missed out on when I was in undergrad – that in my rush to finish so quickly, which I did, I didn’t play enough. And I don’t mean going out, I certainly have always done plenty of that. I mean more that I didn’t take enough classes in random weird stuff that interested me, partly because I just wanted to get out of school and partly because Marquette was farking expensive and I couldn’t really afford to do it.

This concerns me. What if I really should have taken more of the crazy math classes I was learning to love and which I find so oddly fascinating, or the literature classes I was growing more interested in? Actually, that isn’t a what if. I should have taken more classes that interested me. I just didn’t, for whatever reason… graduation date, my singular focus on finishing both my majors and the minor I didn’t even want but was almost done with, Dave’s pushing, advisors pushing, parents pushing, me pushing. I am certain it is too late to register for classes in January at UN0, otherwise I think in my current state of mind I would probably take just about anything, though I’m not sure exactly what.

I am scared of leaving without having a job, and afraid of missing my friends incredibly badly if I do move before this summer. Worried about starting over in a new city but feel like I’m spinning my wheels here. I am already getting sick of living in my parent’s house, and I don’t think I am going to make it to this summer there. I just can’t deal with living under their roof again, not that they are so awful or something, but I am so used too a certain sense of independence and having no one to answer to that this whole this is strange. Strange and foreign and grating on my nerves already, less than a month into it. Then again, I am afraid of signing another lease (with who? Roommate? I can’t afford to live on my own, so there’s another problem) because that means a commitment to more time here. At least six months, probably a year.

Would it really be that awful if I didn’t do those law school applications that are laying on my floor? I don’t know. I am afraid of looking like a failure, a dreamer who won’t ever do anything about any of these ideas. Afraid of living in Omaha the rest of my life. Afraid of disappointing my family and friends who have believed in me through two LSATs and carried me through massive self-doubt to get even to this point.

Not to mention afraid that as I get older, I am completely losing the focus I had when I was younger. Is that bad or just a sign that I’m changing, growing up in some ways? There are so many interests I wish I had time to pursue, yet so few things I really really feel passionately about. Shoes? Shopping? Food? Wine? Can I have a career that is about any of those things and still make enough money to live? I know I don’t want to be a chef, but really, I don’t know what I DO want.

Maybe waiting a year is a good idea. I should probably get over the idea that I will turn into a pumpkin or something if I’m not the world’s greatest success by the time I’m XYZ years old. I was already supposed to be running the world at 24 according to my little 18 year old dreams… I don’t know. So much of me has always be so go go go go, so motivated, that I wonder what exactly would happen if I just took a break for a year. Maybe then I would turn into a pumpkin.