Very blah today. Very depressing night last night & I don’t want to deal with it and don’t really know how.

Tuesday was good but boring – boy cooked for me (white chicken chili, yum) and we watched “Melv1n Goes to D1nner” which was kind of funny but kind of boring and overall just ok. Worth seeing but I don’t know if I would watch it again.

Yesterday was hard all around. Work terribly busy (end of the month, poo on you.) and tons of phone calls and documents to prepare and things to fax and checks to print. Gym was great but very hard also – I ran 3 miles in 34 minutes and one second. This is decent but disappointing – I want to be at a 10 minute mile. If not faster, actually. So that was frustrating and because that was my second day in a row going to the gym I was REALLY sore and didn’t feel like going out when I got home.

But of course, we had plans. There was a concert for this band, who happen to be on a local label and who also just happen to be the boyfriend’s favorite band. So we go to the Old Dund33 for a beer and some food and I get to meet his friend Monica and buy zach a shot because it was his 28th birthday.

It was actually ok there, Zach had his shots and was being nice (we haven’t seen each other in well over two weeks) and Adam spilled a plate of hot wings on his lap and a dish of ranch dressing right in his crotch, which was funny as hell and made for some great pictures. Went to the show & things start to go downhill from there… I don’t like indie rock. I just don’t. I find it slow and boring and the scene(sters) to be annoying. I don’t begrudge anyone their taste in music – if you like indie rock, or African drumming, or acid jazz or WHATEVER, have at it. Live and let live, musically.

Yet despite the fact that I don’t like indie rock or the scene, it can somehow make me feel like I’m 12 and no one wants to eat lunch with me. Everyone is magically thinner than me, prettier than me, dressed better than me, cooler than me, more well-connected than me. Why do I care if they’re more well-connected in a scene I DON’T EVEN LIKE? I don’t understand, but I do care.

So anyway. The first band is the embodiment of everything I hate about indie rock. One guy on stage with a guitar singing maudlin songs about god only knows what, and trying to seem esoteric between songs. Blah. It was incredibly boring and even curt, who likes this whole scene, thought so, so it wasn’t just me being pissy. Second band was good – instead of a drummer they have a tap dancer, which was fun and funky and really different. They were a little new-wave-y also, which I like because it’s not so goddamn slow. Third band is the headliner – as mentioned above, boyfriend’s favorite band. He is in love with their lead singer, who, ironically, played Shelly Long’s daughter in this movie, which was one of my favorite movies as a child. Not entirely sure why, but anyway. Kids are allowed craptastic taste in movies.

Anyway. I hated it. It was boring and the vocals were whiny and the guitars were miked too high and blegh. And I spent the whole time thinking, I’m not as cute as her, no matter how much time I spend at the gym my thighs will never look like that, I could never get on stage and sing, therefore I am totally worthless. I hate it when I do that and it doesn’t happen that often any more, but sometimes the massive insecurities come out and they pick bad, bad, bad times to do so. Halfway through their set all I wanted to do was go home and crawl in bed and cry, but I made it through the whole thing and made it almost all the way back to my parents’ house before I started.

And I know the boyfriend was hurt and confused when I didn’t spend the night last night with no explanation, and I’m sure that nothing will happen, but I haven’t gotten an email yet this morning from him and am now convinced he no longer loves me because I don’t like his music. Why do I do this to myself?