I had to get weighed today.

I hate that. HATE it. Because then I always feel like the fat kid again, the kid who got made fun of and beat up and who no one wanted to eat lunch with.

And I had gotten used to the way I looked, and learned to deal with it, and now this number is looming in my head and making me question all of it. I wasn't happy with it, because I will never really love my body because I just don't want to have this body, I want to be five eight and thin and have legs like kate moss.

But I was getting used to this body. This body that I am stuck with, that curt says he loves, that naomi says is slamming, and that is strong and can run and walk and jump and play in the park with my sister. But I cannot wrap my head around that number that the stupid tech said to me today. I cannot weigh that much without being that fat kid again in my head, without thinking that my mental image of myself as it is now is wrong wrong wrong. Without thinking that my friends consider me their "fat friend". I don't want to be the fat friend, ever again. Ever.

This is ridiculous. I have spent so much time and energy just getting used to this body! How is it that a number is upsetting me this much?

At least it's Friday. And I got paid.